readlo

ive recently discovered that my life has turned into something routine. at some point clinging here clinging there. one person at a time. one space at a time. i dont know where i belong and yet i know exactly where to be. like living in this moment where im here and you're there and its beautiful, fine and alright and everything nice. so to speak anyway. i just feel... nothing. i feel so connected and yet to nothing at all. i feel non existant, at least thats where id like to be. because i dont want to be in my room, i dont want to sleep, read, eat, think. or be. im not sad, im not depressed. am i confused? all the while, i give my time here and i give it there. never focusing, never staying alone, never making clear decisions. thats just it. i dont want to make anymore decisions. i want to just flow, not to analyze, not to consider, not to regret. i dont even want to want. nothing makes sense, and i understand. do you?

i miss you and i love you, and my chest burned reading your last entry.

Funny isnt it, how life is so simple and most of out problems are not complex. they're understood and therefore simple. im in the weirdest mood, but it is understood. I just dont want to do anything. i dont want to eat, i dont want to sleep, i sure dont want to go to school. my life has taken a complete 180 since this time last year. and im so grateful and wouldnt change any of that. aside from slacking off in school everything appears to be as i have wanted it to be for at least a year. Kortney is most to thank for me feeling most settling. she doesnt know how i felt i have been looking for her. 

i feel ungrounded today. After carly's phone call about my not being such good friend and letting her down i realized that there were most likely others in my life that feel the same as she. its so hard for me to space out my life. im constantly feeling like i dont have time for anything. i spend all my free time with kortney and everyday i feel like its not enough. and then when im not with kortney i just wanna do nothing.... take a shower, shave, clean, take care of myself. things i still dont have time for. How can i feel so busy when all i do is work and have dopped most of my classes all semester. i feel guilty about that. 

i think i just feel like something is missing and its nothing anyone is doing around me its something im doing. On sunday kortney ad i had a heated arguement about janelle because she was texting me and i didnt explain it to kortney. See, i spent over a year trying to force janelle out of my life. And now i dont see the use. its doesnt hurt to talk to her, it doesnt bother me to talk to her. This is so glorious. but all kortney sees is how i want to talk to janelle now. i just cant sort out our issues in the past week. 

eh im just lazy, and need some alone time to do nothing.